Help Me

In the Spanish version of EGM, my column is called “No Merecen Tu Dinero,” which means “not worth your money.” I’m told it’s because south of the border, “The Rest of the Crap” translates into “suck your mother’s banana peel, donkey throat cancer,” an insult they assured me was not taken lightly. That isn’t the only change, though. The descriptive accounts of my Barbie pony fantasies don’t translate well, either, so they’re replaced with pictures of bikini girls throwing ice cream at each other. So to translate that back into English, I rule when I’m Mexican.

Dinotopia: the Timestone Pirates

GBA - TDK — When I first started playing Dinotopia, the controls were doing what I wanted them to, and the graphics were competent. The horror—what if this were a decent game that happened to be based on the lamest thing ever only through sheer chance? Thirty minutes later, I realized I’d fought only two enemies: Unarmed Fat Guy and Little Kid With Stick. On level two, they were assisted by their deadly friend, Anonymous Hands Throwing Trash Out Window, and I quit playing.

Just a tip: If you’re making a game about dinosaurs, let me fight some dinosaurs. To hell with that—go ahead and let me fight dinosaurs in games in which it makes no sense. It seriously wouldn’t break my heart if I were playing Splinter Cell and the story line didn’t quite account for the sudden appearance of Dr. Pterodactyloid and his karatesaurs.

Pryzm Chapter One: the Dark Unicorn

PS2 - TDK — Forgive me for not being impartial when reviewing this game. You see, my gnomish elf family was forced by mutant plague vines to flee for the Land of the Unicorns, and Pryzm’s story hits a little too close to home. Plus, I hate it when fruity fairy crap replaces the letter “i” with a “y” and calls it “fantasy.” So instead of reviewing the game, I’ve included my Pryzm gaming diary.

3:54 a.m.: Cut-scene informs me that unicorns can’t fly when carrying trolls. Seems to be a point of contention between the two species.

3:57 a.m.: Oh good, training. Like this is going to be such a unique game that I’ll need a...oh, I see. Moving the control stick causes my unicorn to go that way. Also: The tutorial is unskippable.

4:09 a.m.: Power switch on PS2 cut training short. Wrote a letter to the developers saying, “Next time you’re making a game and you think someone wants to prance a unicorn through a series of hoops, stop. Take a look at yourself. Take a f***ing look at what you’re doing.”

Presumptuous spazzing: Notice how Pryzm labels itself as “Chapter One,” as if it were only the first step on the grand rainbow journey of Pryzm sequels. Well, I just checked with the future, and I’ll skip you ahead to the title of the next edition—Pryzm Chapter Two: Legend of the Never Going to Happen.

Ten Pin Alley 2

GBA - XS Games — “It’s a pin-crashing, wall-shakin’ party game! The greatest party game of the year, even if you’re alone!” And with that claim, Ten Pin Alley 2 might have committed a felony-level assault against the English language. This is the ugliest, most boring bowling game available; getting a normal person to pick up a bowling simulator is a hard enough sell when it doesn’t suck.

Has the party started yet? I can’t explain to you how fun it is to spend six minutes of every frame watching computer-controlled players slowly roll their balls down the lane, accompanied by the same four notes of music! Hey, Ten Pin Alley 2, just tell me how many damn pins they knocked down; I’ll trust you. Better yet, forget that suggestion and replace it with this: Suck it.

Polly! Pocket: Super Splash Island

GBA - VU Games — The object of Polly is to play water-themed minigames until you earn enough tickets to ride the most thrilling attraction, the Giant Water Slide. And at the risk of spoiling a significant plot twist, you also unlock fashion surprises. My biggest complaint with Polly—and finding one in such a fashiony funtivity was hard—is that the minigames last approximately 300 times longer than your patience for them.

You are enjoying yourself! “THAT WAS FUN!” Polly informed me after I spent the better part of an hour trying to kill her friends with a water balloon gun in a sadistic Whack-a-Mole minigame. Don’t tell me what makes me happy, Polly. I’ll make my own decisions on how delightful aquatic infanticide can be.

Classic Crap

Lord of the Sword (Sega Master System)

Sometimes parents push kids too hard to participate in a certain activity, and it backfires with the kids hating it. That must have happened here, because the guy whose parents named him “Lord of the Sword” could not be less interested in sword swinging. You’ll be lucky to kill anything with his little, clumsy sword bonk. To his credit, though, he’s slightly deadlier than his brothers, Provocateur of the Ranseur and Mastar of the Scimitar, Jr.

Great Moments in Bad Box Art

Final Zone II (Turbografix 16)

Whoever thought they were so clever when they said “Don’t judge a book by its cover” never saw this. It’s like space marines and Easter eggs got together and made babies. After seeing the celebratory fireworks, the purple smoke machine, and their pastel-colored codpieces, I’m going to go ahead and judge it. And I judge it to be FABULOUS! P

Copyright © 2004 Ziff Davis Media Inc. All Rights Reserved. Originally appearing in Electronic Gaming Monthly.